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Archive for 2016|Yearly archive page

Hellfire

In Surviving on March 15, 2016 at 10:07 pm

 

You don’t know hell until you’ve seen your kid walk through the flames without you.

You just don’t. There is nothing on earth that can prepare a parent for some things. Things that let you know: they are on the downward slide, and the smell of sulfur is creeping up, coming for your baby.

And you never know. You never see it coming.

You’ll spend a lot of time wondering. Wondering if you did know. Wondering if you (or somebody else) did see it coming. Wondering what you could have done differently/better/more of/less of. You just will. There are a lot of people out there who will tell you that yeah, you did see it coming. That yeah, you could have done a lot differently, done a lot better.

They’re right, but that doesn’t matter because they’re wrong.

They’re horrible for having an opinion, much less for expressing that opinion out loud. To you. Let’s be clear about that. Not one single person on this earth, regardless of their experience, their status as a parent, their age, their gender, their relationship to your child, is remotely qualified to have an opinion about how you handle it when your kid is dangling just out of reach of the thorns and the harpies. Go ahead, be angry about it. They don’t know you. They don’t know your kid. They don’t know where you’ve been separately or together. They don’t know one damn thing about how you feel. And you really, really, should not be put in a position to have to tell them any of that. They should just know.

Now, take a breath.

Because they mean well. It may be coming from a place of oh-my-god-so-none-of-their-fucking-business but 98.6% of the time, they mean well. They mean to be supportive, or understanding, or helpful, or even just kind. Does that make it suck less? No. Does that make it less uncomfortable? Nuh-uh. Does that make it any of their business? Nope. It is what it is, though. And they’ll have an opinion. And they’ll share it with you. They just will.

Fix your eyes on the important things. Worry about your kid; let the rest of it roll.

440

In Uncategorized on January 21, 2016 at 6:40 am

There’s some moments in your life that you only recognize as having been a turning point once they’ve past. You can look back and say, hey, that was it. That was the moment everything changed. Then, there’s some moments that you just know. You can see it, that you’re redefining your entire life with every step forward. 

Those moments, the ones you know about and are aware of? They’re terrifying. It’s like every breath is a decision: the old way or the new? Maybe they’re not terrifying to everyone, but they’re terrifying to me. I’m not great with the unknown. And new definitely equals unknown. 

But, see, I’m getting too old to be afraid. I like that part. I like outgrowing my old fears and hang ups and baggage. It’s nice to wake up feeling lighter, freer, on the good days. (On the bad days, I think I’m crazy and that I’ll never be free, but the bad days are fewer and further between, too.)

Maybe I’ll grow up to be one of those skydiving grannies who set about their bucket lists with a vengeance. 

These past couple of months have been a crucible of tension, stress, and pain. My hope for my little family is that the forging is completed. That we move forward stronger, more at peace, from here. That’s my hope, but my comfort is that we move forward together. 

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